Stay At Home Mom Pageant

A friend of mine tagged me in her status post on my Facebook page yesterday.  Her post was about the Miss America Pageant and she was wondering what were everyone's favorite talents to watch, and which ones made you want to change the channel.

After the initial giggle it gave me, that she had actually tagged ME in a pageant post, I commented with a heartfelt response:

"First of all, I didn't even know it was pageant time.  Thanks for alerting me to this potential live TV fiasco (if a contestant should fall, faint, or totally flub up, I NEED to be a witness).  I will have to tune in now.  As for the talent portion, in my opinion, the best kinds of talent involve some kid of fire or danger.  Just kidding...well, not really...but I don't enjoy listening to any kind of yodeling, or classical music, or opera singing.  I do like watching some Irish inspired dancing, or clogging, or twirling some kind of fire-encrusted object.  I would even like to watch them juggling fire stuff.  I also wished they would do some archery, or target practicing.  Those kinds of things keep me interested in watching.  Singing, no.  Singing while juggling spears, YES."

As you might expect, I am NOT the pageant type.  I never have been, and am 100% sure I never will be.  I will be completely honest with you.  I DID NOT WATCH the Miss America Pageant last night.  And, I am not one bit sorry that I missed it.  I'd like to see a pageant of sorts for real, everyday stay at home moms.   Now, that's something I might get into.

Here's how the STAY AT HOME MOM PAGEANT competition would go... 

Location, Location, Location -  The Stay At Home Mom Pageant will take place in a nice, big Target parking lot.  Let's face it, we will already be heading there anyway, so this is the perfect location.  There is no need for fancy decorations...just a red runway carpet, and lots of red bulls-eyes...because Target makes us happy.

The Competition -The "lifestyle and fitness in swimsuit" won't be happening ladies.  This will be changed to the "lifestyle and stamina in yoga pants."  Each mom will be given a cart and a list of items to find in the store.  The quicker you can retrieve the items, the higher the scores.  If you can run around while balancing your Starbucks coffee, that give you extra points from the judges.  We all know this won't be a problem.

The traditional "Evening Wear" portion of the competition won't be happening either ladies.  Instead, we will have a "Real Life Evening Wear" competition.  You will bring what you wear in the "evenings" and flaunt it on the red carpet of the Target parking lot.  That's right, bring your favorite moo moos...your husbands oversized t-shirt...your fuzzy socks...your borrowed boxer shorts...oh, and NO bra required for this part of the competition.  The more comfier, the higher the scores ladies.  That's how we roll!

This brings me to the ever so popular "Talent" portion of the competition.  How about bringing some real talent over to the competition??  Everyone can sing, everyone can dance...albeit, not good, but everyone can certainly do it.  Let's think outside of the box, and make our competition something more suited to what we actually have talent in.  Here are some suggestions that I think would score excellent points in Talent:

**Speed Folding (How many shirts can you fold in a minute?)

**Speed Cleaning (You know, wasting your day, then getting everything done in an hour when you find out company is coming over.)

**Speed Matching (Matching up an overflowing basket of clean socks)

**Ironing (Ha, Ha, Ha, that's a funny thought....Y'all know we don't iron.  That's why there is a "fluff" option on the dryer.)

**Coffee Guzzling (This is pretty self explanatory...show us how fast you can down 4 cups of coffee.)

**Sandwich Making (Made to order, crusts cut off, and eloquently placed in a little ziploc baggie...that's how we roll...cranking them out on the daily 12 years strong!)

Now, on to the "Private Interview."  Our interviews will be all about scheduling, carpooling, cooking, and cleaning.  That's it...no politics, no world history, no current events.  Just keeping it real, ladies....keeping it real!

And, finally, last, but not least, there will be an "On-Red Carpet Question."  I feel that it would be fitting to take this time to tell everyone your children's birth stories.  Every single woman I know loves to tell those.  No matter how long it has been, that story is always "fresh" on our minds.  That's REAL folks...

In the meantime, until I am notified of the "Stay At Home Mom Pageant" becoming an actual event, you can find me...

...walking the aisle of Target
or
...flapping around in my flip flops
or
...in the line at Starbucks
or
...carpool driving
or
...Netflix watching
or
...barricaded in the laundry room...
or
...polishing up on my many real "talents."


Lots of LOVE,
the Laundry Fairy