Sunday, October 5, 2014

Mama's Packing Some Heat!

I'm going to take you all back about 4 years in my world.  I actually wrote this the night that it happened, while it was fresh in my head.  This is the event that led myself and my 3 kids to officially feel like we needed to have thug names.  Without further ado, I will share my story:

Let me start off by saying that I have had a pretty typical Wednesday afternoon.  I picked the kids up after school, rushed home in the rain, fed the kids a snack, got the girls changed for dance...and off we went to Washington.  It was raining heavily, so I was sure to take extra time to get there.  We ended up getting to dance early for once, that is a shocker!  After dance class, the Hubs met us at the dance studio and we loaded up in the truck and went to supper.  Over supper, it was our typical mealtime drama.  Kids were giggling and asking for more ketchup, life was normal, and good.  So I look at the Hubs and ask, "So, you done anything exciting today?"  And he replies, "Nope, not really!"  Then I reply back, "Me neither!"  Little did I know, that we were in for quite a bit of excitement in the very near future.

After supper, I drop the Hubs off at his truck and head on my merry way back to our house.  After a few miles I notice that I don't have hardly even a quarter of a tank of gas, so I decide to pull off at the last gas station heading out of town.  As usual, this particular gas station is full of cars and I have to wait for my turn at a pump.  While I am sitting there idling I decide to give the Hubs a quick call to let him know I have "stopped off" at the gas station so he won't be alarmed if he beats me home and I am not there.  By the time we have a quick chat, it is my turn at the pump.  I pull up, proceed to pay for and pump $70 worth of gas with my credit card while my children sit nicely in their seats.  My girls were coloring in their new coloring books and my son was working on math homework, everyone minding their own business.  This was nothing less than typical, just a Mom at a gas pump and a truck load of children, right?  Since it takes a few minutes to pump so much gas, I gave my mother a call to chit chat and pass the time away.  I finished pumping, closed up my tank, put it in drive, and off we went.  When I got ready to pull out on the highway, there were a few cars heading in my direction, so I waited for them to pass.  I wasn't in a great hurry, supper was already eaten, and homework was almost it was going to be an easy night once we got home.  Not to mention that it was of course, as all you NC people know, RAINING!!!  So, I pull onto the highway, chatting away with my mother.  I get about 50 yards from the gas station, and I notice all of a sudden a nice set of blue lights in my rear view mirror.  Hmmmmmph, I thought, and I say to my mother, "I gotta go!" and hang the phone up.  I instinctively looked down at my speedometer and was only going about 35 mph, and then looked back up at the mirror.  WOW!!!  Much to my surprise, this time, there were even more blue lights.  For an instant, I thought there must be a bad wreck up ahead or something, let me get out of their way.  So, I pull into the nearest business parking lot and just about as my truck comes to a rolling stop....I AM SURROUNDED!!!!  Literally surrounded, by at least 10 police cars.  Some marked, some unmarked, but all flashing blue lights and sirens.  Talk about scary, good Lord, that is putting it lightly.  I was so confused, I was NOT speeding, I DID pay for the gas, what in the world was going on.  I racked my mind from the events that had occurred all day and I just couldn't figure out anything that I had done to constitute all of this police attention.

It took about 30 seconds and after being completely surrounded by Highway Patrol, local Police, the County Sheriff Dept., and unmarked cars that I realized either this was a really UNFUNNY joke, or something was badly going wrong.  At this point, my children are scared to the point of crying in the back seat.  Perhaps it was the police officer screaming at me from his loud speaker on his car to "put your hands out of the car where I can see them" or "don't get out of the car" or "roll all your windows down so we can see you" that was scaring them.  As I glance to the back of my truck to look at my children I notice that some police officers are crouched down behind their own car doors while others are standing ready with their hands on their weapons to pull them out of their holsters.  At this point, I am getting highly frightened myself, and scared to do anything.  I rolled my windows down and kept telling them that "there are children in here!"  I bet I screamed it at least 10 times.  I didn't know what was going on, but apparently I had really done something bad.  After several minutes of the "stand off" in the parking lot with me in my surburban with the pretty little pink Snoopy decal on the back glass, I finally could understand the police officer's demands and what he was saying.  You see, when someone is screaming at you through a loud speaker, and you are having to listen to him while listening to your 3 children scream and cry in horror, not to mention, the rain splattering on my is kind of hard to actually "listen!"  Anyway, I complied and rolled all 4 windows down and then proceeded to stick my hands out of the window, as did my 8 year old son, as he was asked to do.  Sure, that isn't traumatic at be 8 and be screamed at by authorities.  My 6 year old twins in the very back seat put their hands up to the windows as we all sat in the car surrounded by the bright blue flashing police cars.  Scary?  Yeah, you betcha!  The next words I heard were, "Mam, open your door and exit the truck slowly with your hands up!"  Seriously?  I mean, really?  I then did as I was asked to do and by this point I thought I had must have been in some kind of bad dream.  It was all so surreal!

Once out of the vehicle, and the officer could tell I wasn't armed, the Lt. approached me.  He wanted to know who I was, and what I was doing.  I told him my name, and then said, "Well, I was going home!"  I asked him what in the world had I done.  He then began a long list of "I am sorry's" as he realizes that they have chased and captured the wrong person.  Seriously?  The officer said that the clerk at the gas station called 911 and reported a "white vehicle with people in it waving around uzis."  Then he goes on to say, "as we approached the gas station, we saw YOUR white vehicle pulling out, and we thought you were the perps."  So, the chase was on, apparently!!!  Needless to say, I was scared...which is not easily done, by the way!  Not only that, but my children are now completely scared of police!  The only thing that could have made this situation worse would have been if I had of been cuffed and put in the back of the car for questioning.  Thank goodness it didn't get THAT far.

After many apologies and and "explanation" to my children that I asked the officer to give them on "how neither I, nor them had done nothing wrong" we were excused and allowed to make our way back home.  I drove all the rest of the way home reliving all of the moments in my head and I realized that I was even more scared than I thought.  At the time, I was going on pure adrenaline and my only concern was that somebody didn't do anything stupid to, or in front of my children.  I was most certainly acting like a mother first and I didn't want them to see anything happen to me and I tried not to let them know I was as scared as I really was.  We finally made it home, even though it was a little later than expected.  I am pretty sure I have just about officially "done it all" now.  And, I am pretty sure I have a great start to that book I have been meaning to write.  So, tonight, I pray that my children and I will sleep well and NOT have dreams of blue flashing lights, or holding my hands up.  Whew, what an evening!!! 

Much love to you all:
-the Laundry Fairy (a.k.a. gun toting, thug name)

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

the Laundry Fairy is up next on the Blog Tour...fasten your seat belts!

The next stop on the Blog Tour is apparently in my laundry room!!  Mackenzie from Mommy Needs a Swear Jar asked me to be the next stop on her blog tour.  Mackenzie writes the most fabulous blogs, is totally relatable...and occasionally lets a curse word or two slip out, but promptly adds money to her swear jar for safe measure.  I just love her blog and her humor, and the way her writing sucks me in.  Thanks Mackenzie for asking me to keep this tour going and dropping asking me to take a turn in the hot seat.

1.  What are you working on?  To be completely honest, what I am working on right this very moment is putting away stacks of laundry.  I am sure you meant, what am I working on, as in actually writing about, but I was just being honest.  So, back to the question...I will try to answer it better.  I am currently writing a little blog post about my son.  I'm not one to post on serious, lovey dovey stuff, but this one will be kind of like that.  I'm almost done with it...and not sure what is next in line on the writing front.

2.  Why do I write?  I am a stay at home mama with a house full of chores, and laundry, and groceries, and dust...and am completely alone from the hours of 8-3.  I have lots of thoughts throughout the day about scheduling, and cooking, and washing windows, and scrubbing toilets, and cleaning out closets...BUT sometimes I just want to sit and write.  It makes me happy.  Letting the words magically go from my head, down my neck, through my arms and spit out of the tips of my fingers onto the keyboard.  It is quite magical how that happens.  My 3 children (12 year old son, and 10 year old twin daughters) give me endless stuff to think and write about.

3.  How does my writing differ from others in my genre?  I try to focus my writing on more of a storytelling style.  I want you to be able to visualize exactly what I am talking about.  Almost as if you are in the room with me, as I am telling you a story.  I love descriptions, and I want my readers to feel as if they are truly connected.  If it happens to me, then it could most certainly happen to them.  I don't want to give advice or try to solve the world's problems, I just want to share a little laugh through my personal experience.

4.  How does my creative process work?  I very seldom sit down and make a draft of anything without finishing it and posting it.  I don't like to have something started, just sitting there waiting for me to wrap it up.  I get ideas for posts when I am driving down the road, or in the check out line at the grocery store, and sometimes when I lay down to try to go to sleep...they just simply come to me.  I find myself making notes and jotting down ideas whenever they strike.  People watching has proven to give me some of my best material...that, as well as watching my own spawn interact with each other.

Since I hate talking about myself, I can say I am thrilled to be able to pass the tour on over to these fine bloggers.  Go over and check them won't be let down.

Life With the Bearded J's
Meet Jenny!!

1. I am a SAHM to three kids, 2 dogs, 5 fish and one bearded man-child. My days are hectic but I wouldn't trade any of it for all the peaceful days in the world. Well maybe I'd trade them for one day. Just one day though, anymore and it may turn into a lifetime. Don't judge me!

2. I just recently celebrated my 1 year SAHM-AVERSARY. I remembered it but no one else did. Story of my life, so next year I'm sending out memos; I expect a party. I am always looking for a reason to celebrate, once a year on my birthday is not enough. I love a good fiesta!

3. I enjoy body art. I love tattoos and piercings but I also understand that society is not as receptive to them as I am. All my tattoos are easily covered and my piercings are removable. My kids have asked if they can get a tattoo or a piercing when they get older. I tell them they can do whatever they want to their body when they're 18. But I do ask they come see me first, so we can talk about it and I can educate them. I think that right there, sums up my parenting method and who I am as a person.

Find Jenny on Facebook.

Chronically Sick and Sometimes Manic Mother
Meet Erin!!

1.  I would not consider myself a Christian, but a lot of people assume I am.

2.  I really am not a people person.  I like company, but I also am obsessive about having just me by myself time too.  I have been accused of hiding in my room so many times I can't count.

3.  Writing is theraputic for me.  That it helps another person in their struggle, only encourages me to keep at it.  I really don't think of myself as a really good writer.

Find Erin on Facebook.

Sister Serendip
Meet Gina!!

1.  One day last spring I was holding my four year old on my lap and trying to take some lovey-dovey Mama-daughter selfies when suddenly my iPhone started freaking out and taking pictures non stop.  Hilarity ensued, particularly this picture of me saying something like, "What the hell did I do to this phone?  Daddy's going to kill me."  It might be one of my favorite pictures of myself.

2.  All I've ever really wanted was to be a Mom and some sort of artist, particularly an actress.  (I honestly didn't put any thought into the marriage part of my grown-up life, but have amazingly lucked out in that department.)  I now have two daughters and three sons so the first part of that wish has been fulfilled fivefold.  I wrote my blog and act in a local social justice theatre company.  I'm super proud of my participation in North Jersey's Listen to Your Mother performances last May, presenting an essay I wrote called "Adoptive Parents are Assholes Too."

3.  Sometimes I feel like my blog is all over the place.  Most of the time I'm talking about cooking or crafts or the wacky shenanigans of our large creative family.  But since larger, more serious issues are an integral part of my life:  interracial adoption, attempts at maintaining an open adoption after foster care, surviving rape, I don't ever deny them and speak openly of them as well.

Find Gina on FacebookInstagram, and Twitter.

And that concludes this stop on the Blog Tour, as I pass it on to these 3 lovely bloggers.  Thanks again Mackenzie for including me on this tour!

Love and Laundry, and wishing you empty hampers,
the Laundry Fairy!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Winner! Winner!!!

In my adult life, I can count the things I have actually won on one hand.  ONE hand folks.  Let me tell you about those things, in all of its' grandeur.  You know, I am pretty sure I have won the cake walk at my kid's school Fall festival...not once, but TWICE.  I have very good skills at picking out a square and walking around in circles until the music stops.  I am superb at cake walking.  If it was indeed an actual sport, then winning it twice pretty much means I would be an Olympic gold medalists cake walker.  A few years ago,  I won $10 playing NC State lottery scratch off tickets.  I like to think it was less of "chance" and more of the skills I attribute to being able to use the edge of a quarter like an expert.  Yes, I am quite the scratch off queen...I don't mean to brag.  (Yes I do...because I am great at it.)  

So, this brings me to the most recent award that I have won...the coveted, new blogger, Liebster award.  The honor was bestowed upon me by the fabulous Traci over at A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen's Momma.  Thanks so much Traci!!  The trophy I received was so enormous in size, that I didn't want all of you to be TOO jealous, so I will just include a nice picture of the words, "Liebster Award, Discover New Blogs!" for you all to stare at with envy.

I know, it is quite lovely...beautiful even.  Take a nice, long look at it...

Here's a blurb from my acceptance speech...which just happens to be written on the back of a very old Food Lion receipt that I found beneath my seat in the truck...nestled beside a petrified cheese doodle.

I will save you from having to read all of the glorious details, and just share with you the highlights.

 "I would like to thank my mother for encouraging me to always do my best, for her gentle persuasions to not "play in the street" and "never use the hair dryer in the tub" and "always check the date on the milk"...her knowledge has proven to save me countless times.  Thanks Mama!"

"To my older siblings, I owe you for all of my comedy talents.  I also "owe" you for every single mean thing you have ever done...locking me out of you rooms, making me play alone, and that ever so famous fart on the pancakes incident of 1984...yeah, I haven't forgotten...but thanks!"

"To my children, I owe 95% of this award to you...because you 3 inspire just about every thought that goes through my mind and ends up on the screen in front of me.  The other 5% I owe to my typing teacher from middle school...thanks!"

"To my husband, well, (never mind, he isn't going to read this anyway), blah, blah, blah, you, mean it."

This brings me to the questions that were sent over by "A Day In the Life of a Drama Queen's Momma."

1.  What inspired you to start blogging?  I actually started blogging as an attempt to start chronicling my children's lives, just for my personal interests.  I had great intentions, but quickly realized that my children are hilarious...and that a lot of my daily observations should be shared...funny should ALWAYS be shared!

2.  What are 2 of your biggest pet peeves?  Geesh, ONLY 2....hmmm, let me see.  One would have to be crunching (which would included smacking, slurping, or chewing loudly).  Yeah, I totally grit my teeth just so I don't accidentally haul off and do a backhanded slap.  Another pet peeve of mine is when someone drinks the last Diet Mt. Dew in the fridge...they are clearly ALWAYS mine....and the person guilty of the ingestion needs immediate reprimand.

3.  Are you a cat person or a dog person?  This is an easy question.  NEITHER.  Cats=hair and dogs=slobber.  Enough said, let's move on!

4.  What is a lesson that you so desperately wish your children would learn now (So you can stop repeating it)?  I wished my children would learn how to hang their wet towels up.  They have towel bars and hooks, and each one of them can surely reach them.  Why oh why do they always end up a diabolical wet heap of terrycloth???  WHY!!!??

5.  What is your idea of a "perfect date night" with your significant other?  Wow, that's a hard one.  A perfect night with my husband would start with a nice steak dinner...then a bonfire out in the countryside complete with s'mores, good music, and a warm blanket.

6.  How do you feel about public restrooms?  Any funny stories you can share about them?  I absolutely hate a public restroom, but because I have children, I can tell you that I know exactly where each one is located within a 50 miles radius of home.  Every single one.  They are gross, nasty, and nothing ever pleasurable has ever come from using one.  As for a funny story, I do have one.  Just recently, I was in a stall trying to hover and know how it goes...and the lady who was sweeping in the bathroom was in the other stall and actually took the broom and TOUCHED my flip flop clad foot.  There is no telling the amount of germs that was on that broom.  The broom needed burning and thanks to that lady, my foot also needed a thorough Clorox soak.

7.  What is your favorite thing to cook or bake?  I would have to say my favorite things to cook are the things my children like to eat the most.  Ribs, chicken & pastry, chili, country style steak...they are all things I like to fix.  As for baking, I make the best chocolate chess pie you have ever laid in your good, you will want to slap your grandma!!

8.  Are you a "lover" or a "fighter?"   I am pretty sure I am more of a lover than a fighter.  I have a list of "loves" a mile long, and just a few things that make me feel like I want to fight.  As long as you don't mess with my babies, then there will be no need in fighting ;)

9.  If you could publish something (other than your blog) what genre would you write?    I would definitely write some kind of fictional mystery kind of imagination goes quite wild at times!

10.  When and where did you get your first *real* kiss?  Hmmm, let me take a quick walk down memory lane.  I am pretty sure my first lip on lip contact was in the 5th a vacant room that was sometimes used by the AG class.  I do remember his name, but I will keep that to myself!


So, now it is time for me to nominate some of my own favorite bloggers!!  I nominate the following:

If you choose to accept this award, please refer to the "rules" at the bottom of this post and answer the following questions:
1.  What inspires you to write what you blog about?
2.  Where do you prefer writing in your home, where are you sitting when you crank out your best material?
3.  What is your favorite scent...and does it take you to a different time and place when you smell it?
4.  If you have 30 minutes of free-time, how are you going to spend it?
5.  If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?
6.  If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would do?
7.  What household chore do you absolutely loath having to do?
8.  Replacing the toilet paper roll....over or under?
9.  What 3 things would you want with you if you were stranded on a deserted island?
10.  What does your perfect day look like?

The Official Rules Of The Liebster Award  
If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award and choose to accept it, you must write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:
1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link back to their blog on your blog.
2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget” on your sidebar.
3. Answer the 10 questions about yourself provided to you by the person who nominated you.
4. Nominate 5 – 10 blogs that you feel deserve the award. (They must have a less than 1000 followers.) 
5. Create a new list of questions for those bloggers to answer. 
6. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) 
7. Once you have written and published it, you then must inform the people/blogs that you nominated and provide a link to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Reclaiming the Fridge

So, I find myself in the middle of the kitchen, just praying that what I uncover won't lead me into a raging fit of the dry heaves.  What lies behind those tightly closed doors is a mystery.  A mystery I must face alone, because no one else in my family has the guts to take it on.  It must be reclaimed...immediately.

I have reached the point of no return and have decided to just take on the fridge head on.  No more distractions, no more excuses...just jump right in.  The dreaded clean out of the refrigerator has GOT to be done.  And unfortunately, I am the one that has to do it.  

Let's be honest with one's a little daunting mixed with a lot of scary.

Anyway, I suck it up...I open the door...

And this is what I saw...

I don't really remember the last time I honestly did it without any hesitation...without giving it any forethought first.  I'm a planner by this sudden urge to clean out the fridge kinda caught me by surprise.  

I forged on...

I don't even remember what the circumstances were that led me to the disturbing sights and smells of this inevitable catastrophe that lays before me.  Maybe it was the fact I couldn't locate my coffee creamer this morning...or that Chatty Cathy had to take out 5 things just to reach the milk.  All I know is it is time for a clean out.  I'm a little frightened about what I may actually uncover, but still... 

I forge on...

I cleaned out that nasty refrigerator.  I showed it who is boss in this kitchen.  Sure, when I uncovered those aluminum foil laden dishes, I heaved...I put my nose in the collar of my t-shirt...and I maybe even threw up a little in my mouth, BUT I got it done.  I found leftovers that I couldn't even  identify. Some stuff I couldn't even imagine eating the first time...that smell!!! 

Was it...pasta?...chicken?...penicillin?...

In the end, it was totally worth it.  Wow, I even found my coffee creamer...and my whipped cream cheese!!! This calls for a full blown celebration of sorts. Perhaps I will brew a cup of coffee and sip it as I revel in my masterpiece!!!


There is just one thing that is missing.  The fridge just wouldn't be the same without my little friends inside.

There...that's MUCH better!!! 

-the Laundry Fairy

Monday, September 15, 2014

Stay At Home Mom Pageant

A friend of mine tagged me in her status post on my Facebook page yesterday.  Her post was about the Miss America Pageant and she was wondering what were everyone's favorite talents to watch, and which ones made you want to change the channel.

After the initial giggle it gave me, that she had actually tagged ME in a pageant post, I commented with a heartfelt response:

"First of all, I didn't even know it was pageant time.  Thanks for alerting me to this potential live TV fiasco (if a contestant should fall, faint, or totally flub up, I NEED to be a witness).  I will have to tune in now.  As for the talent portion, in my opinion, the best kinds of talent involve some kid of fire or danger.  Just kidding...well, not really...but I don't enjoy listening to any kind of yodeling, or classical music, or opera singing.  I do like watching some Irish inspired dancing, or clogging, or twirling some kind of fire-encrusted object.  I would even like to watch them juggling fire stuff.  I also wished they would do some archery, or target practicing.  Those kinds of things keep me interested in watching.  Singing, no.  Singing while juggling spears, YES."

As you might expect, I am NOT the pageant type.  I never have been, and am 100% sure I never will be.  I will be completely honest with you.  I DID NOT WATCH the Miss America Pageant last night.  And, I am not one bit sorry that I missed it.  I'd like to see a pageant of sorts for real, everyday stay at home moms.   Now, that's something I might get into.

Here's how the STAY AT HOME MOM PAGEANT competition would go... 

Location, Location, Location -  The Stay At Home Mom Pageant will take place in a nice, big Target parking lot.  Let's face it, we will already be heading there anyway, so this is the perfect location.  There is no need for fancy decorations...just a red runway carpet, and lots of red bulls-eyes...because Target makes us happy.

The Competition -The "lifestyle and fitness in swimsuit" won't be happening ladies.  This will be changed to the "lifestyle and stamina in yoga pants."  Each mom will be given a cart and a list of items to find in the store.  The quicker you can retrieve the items, the higher the scores.  If you can run around while balancing your Starbucks coffee, that give you extra points from the judges.  We all know this won't be a problem.

The traditional "Evening Wear" portion of the competition won't be happening either ladies.  Instead, we will have a "Real Life Evening Wear" competition.  You will bring what you wear in the "evenings" and flaunt it on the red carpet of the Target parking lot.  That's right, bring your favorite moo moos...your husbands oversized t-shirt...your fuzzy socks...your borrowed boxer shorts...oh, and NO bra required for this part of the competition.  The more comfier, the higher the scores ladies.  That's how we roll!

This brings me to the ever so popular "Talent" portion of the competition.  How about bringing some real talent over to the competition??  Everyone can sing, everyone can dance...albeit, not good, but everyone can certainly do it.  Let's think outside of the box, and make our competition something more suited to what we actually have talent in.  Here are some suggestions that I think would score excellent points in Talent:

**Speed Folding (How many shirts can you fold in a minute?)

**Speed Cleaning (You know, wasting your day, then getting everything done in an hour when you find out company is coming over.)

**Speed Matching (Matching up an overflowing basket of clean socks)

**Ironing (Ha, Ha, Ha, that's a funny thought....Y'all know we don't iron.  That's why there is a "fluff" option on the dryer.)

**Coffee Guzzling (This is pretty self us how fast you can down 4 cups of coffee.)

**Sandwich Making (Made to order, crusts cut off, and eloquently placed in a little ziploc baggie...that's how we roll...cranking them out on the daily 12 years strong!)

Now, on to the "Private Interview."  Our interviews will be all about scheduling, carpooling, cooking, and cleaning.  That's politics, no world history, no current events.  Just keeping it real, ladies....keeping it real!

And, finally, last, but not least, there will be an "On-Red Carpet Question."  I feel that it would be fitting to take this time to tell everyone your children's birth stories.  Every single woman I know loves to tell those.  No matter how long it has been, that story is always "fresh" on our minds.  That's REAL folks...

In the meantime, until I am notified of the "Stay At Home Mom Pageant" becoming an actual event, you can find me...

...walking the aisle of Target
...flapping around in my flip flops
or the line at Starbucks
...carpool driving
...Netflix watching
...barricaded in the laundry room...
...polishing up on my many real "talents."

Lots of LOVE,
the Laundry Fairy

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Bathroom Pet Peeves of a Parent

There is nothing in the world quite like a nice hot shower, or a fabulous soak in the tub.  Is it?  Oh, you don't remember???  

You must be a parent, am I right?

Let me refresh your memory.  

BEFORE you had children, you could take a shower or a bath ANYTIME of the day.... uninterrupted.  If you think really hard, you can remember how nice it felt to have your favorite soap lathered up on your skin.  Ahhh, that smell of your favorite scent of expensive bath salts.  Remember how great it was to wash your hair and have time for the conditioner to sit on there for 2 minutes before you rinsed?  Let me take you back even further...remember when you had time to shave your ENTIRE leg....WITH a nice, creamy shaving gel???  

Time passes, and you become a parent.  You are truly blessed, beyond measure really....but you miss that alone time in the bathroom.

The days of showering alone are GONE.

The days of peeing alone are LONG GONE.

But those things you can kind of get used to after awhile of being a parent.  I mean, you become immune to the stares as you sit upon the throne.  You almost expect the shower curtain to be pulled back at least twice as you are trying to bathe.  If it doesn't happen, then you start to worry which kid has killed the other...because quiet children usually means there is trouble brewing. 

I've been doing this parenting thing for over 12 years now, and I haven't had many alone moments in the bathroom since.

Here is a list of bathroom pet peeves since becoming a parent:

1.  POLLY POCKET.  I don't like the creepy way she stares at me from the corner of the tub.  It's almost as if she is sizing me up, laughing at me.  It makes me just want to pop her little head off.  Instead of choosing violence, I just turn her around so she faces the wall.  Creepy!

2.  BARBIE.  Just as bad as the little Polly Pocket doll, there is the ever smiling Barbie.  She is positioned on the edge of the tub....with her unrealistically perfect body.  That girl hasn't aged a darn bit.  Barbie, with her perfect hair and stylish bathing suit...looks like the cover girl for Sports Illustrated....and SHE is staring at me as I shower.  I mean, get a life Barbie?  Don't you have a mansion or airplane you would rather be at?  Shouldn't she be out on a date with Ken and NOT in my shower?  

3.  BEVERAGES.  Just the other day, there was an empty 12 oz. can of soda in the corner of the shower.  This week, there is an empty 20 oz. screw top in there.  Before I had children, I NEVER had such things surrounding me while I showered.  Apparently, somebody was thirsty.  Whatever.

4.  HOT-WHEEL CARS.  You know, those things hurt when you step on them...and they kinda move, quickly,  making you do a split in the shower.  This body of mine isn't capable of doing a split, unless it is a direct result from stepping on top of a miniature version of the General a puddle of water.  It is a wonder I haven't completely killed myself at times.

5.  BAND-AIDS.  If you are a parent, then there really isn't any need for me to elaborate on this.  But, for those of you who aren't blessed to be a parent, let me fill ya in.  Kids will remove band-aids while in the tub and totally use them as stickers all on the shower walls.  This totally grosses me out.  Gag.

6.  EXPENSIVE SOAP.  Once you have kids, your liquid soap supply will skyrocket.  And by "skyrocket" I totally mean that they will squirt about 3/4 of a bottle out per bath.  And if you think I am kidding, I am NOT.  So, your nice, expensive soap that you used to love....well, tell it goodbye, because you will no longer be able to support their habit.  I suggest going bulk, and cheap.  Oh, and hide your own personal supply under lock and key if you are intent upon using it.  Kids "borrow" and destroy a bottle of Bath and Body Works soap in 2.8 seconds.  

7.  SALON GRADE SHAMPOO.  Just do me a favor and read #6 again.  Insert shampoo where you see the word "soap" and there you have it.

8.  SHAVING GEL.  Do yourself a favor this time, and don't even bother to purchase it.  If you do buy it, one of 2 things will happen.  Either the kids will find it and use it to draw all over the shower walls....or, you just plain won't have enough time alone in the shower to actually use it for it's intended purpose.  Save yourself some money and just get a nice razor and go for it with water alone.  

9.  PUDDLES.  Go ahead and set aside a few extra thousand dollars in an account just for replacing your bathroom floor every few years.  Trust me on this one, I don't care how many rugs and towels you use to cover the floor, it WILL get wet.  It WILL rot.  There will be more water outside the tub than inside the tub, and this will be a frequent occurrence.  You will wonder how they do it.  You will never figure it out.  Just start saving now.  You are welcome.  

10.  HOT WATER.  Forget about taking a hot shower or bath EVER again.  It doesn't matter if you have ONE kid or 6, you will run out of hot water.  Most of it will end up on the floor, lol, how about that irony?  

So, I leave you today to ponder the wonders of children, and bathrooms.  How do they do it?  How will us parents survive?  I don't know.  

In the meantime, I hope you can take a nice, long, uninterrupted, HOT shower.

the Laundry Fairy

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Proof...Yeah, I've got it!

It was just another normal evening.  

The kids had enjoyed another hot, sweaty, NC afternoon of fun.  

I've got proof...

Country living kind of know, burning a big trash pile on the edge of a soybean field, kicking up dust with the 6 wheeler, playing princess, and even hurling themselves onto a homemade tarp slip and slide complete with baby oil and soap suds...

Yeah, we totally know how to have fun...and we are quite good at it.  And after a day full of making memories, my bathroom floor is proof of every single one of them.

I've got proof...

The off-white porcelain tiled floor is cool to the touch, but if it could talk, it would tell such warm stories of the happy feet that have traipsed over it throughout the day.  To a passerby, it would appear that the floor is just full of dirty clothes, but to me, those clothes tell a story.  

I've got proof...

In the far corner, there is a boy's pair of basketball shorts, inside out, with a muddy paw print on the left thigh.  I'm pretty certain this means that at some point my son played a game of fetch with our beloved labrador...who I am sure accidentally missed my son's hand when he wanted to "shake" with his paw.  Laying relatively close to those shorts in the corner, is a balled up NCSU t-shirt.  It smells faintly of a distinct mixture of diesel fuel and Axe body spray.  It has perfectly placed sweat stains below the left side of the neck hole...for that's the part of the shirt that he grabs and uses to wipe his face when he sweats.  From observing his shirt, there is no doubt that my boy mowed the grass today, and it was HOT.  I gather up these clothes in my arms and am grateful that my son knows both how to play hard, and work hard.

I've got proof...

On the edge of the tub is a perfectly placed colorful sundress...the kind with a skirt that has just enough soft pleats to allow the perfect amount of blouse at a 9 year old girl's ankles, as she twirls like a princess.  It's colors are perfectly matched for the personality of the girl who chose to wear, bold, and playful.  I love how a simple dress can make any moment turn into an event worthy of a royal court...the potential to use her imagination has been clinging to her small frame all day long...and I love it.  On the counter, next to the sink, are two purple hair clips that have held her beautiful, thick locks of hair out of her face as she played.  Earlier in the day, those clips began higher in her hair, but after a few rounds on the swing set, the clips began to slide down.  And that's more than ok, because sometimes you have to just let your hair down and have some fun.  I'm grateful for her beautiful spirit that fills this house with grace and laughter.  This daughter of mine certainly had fun! 

I've got proof...

In the threshold of the bathroom door, another piece of evidence lays, awaiting to be discovered.  There is yet another sundress, but this one is different.  This one has a few mud stains right along the bottom hem...likely acquired when this little girl hopped on her brother's 4 wheeler to take a quick spin.  The colors on this particular dress are more on the subdued side, but the cut is more than stylish.  This dress is roomy enough to run across the freshly cut grass, straddle the seat of a 4 wheeler, or bend completely over to reach your toenails for a fresh paint job.  As a matter of fact, there is a tiny drop of turquoise nail polish...neighboring right up against one of those mud stains.  I am grateful for this adventurous girl of mine that can always find fun, and is always willing to share in her joy.  Her dress tells a story...a wonderful day of events, and mishaps, that will surely be filed in my daughter's memory bank.

I've got proof...

At the end of the day, when the kids are tucked in and my house is quiet, I like to think that my children are dreaming of their future adventures...and the fun that they will share together...

The fun that they will share with ME!

Eventually, the clothes will make it to the hamper, and likely overflow, while awaiting their turn for a wash.
All the while, my bare bathroom floor will wait patiently to be the landing spot for the next chapter of Summer memories...memories so cleverly disguised as dirty laundry. 

I've got proof...

the Laundry Fairy